I take it all back (previous rant blog about making a bad choice). I do, well I would like to but feelings were felt, things were said, pee was peed and the cat was a jerk.
Luna, we are sorry. Luna you were right. Luna, even though you are a bit the crazy kitty, we love thee and are glad you didn’t throw in the towel and decide to leave our happy home. We are now so very happy because said once upon a time ‘jerk cat’ is a happy kitty; as it is supposed to be and always shall be hence forth in this household.
Now it turns out that we, my kind wife and I were the jerks. We clearly were not in tune with blatant in-your-face cat speak.
Admittedly we supplied all necessities of a happy cat life for both our young catlings. Foods both soft and hard, water and sometimes cat milk, comfortable floor cushions just for them, much new furniture to make their own, a few large beds to cavort upon and multiple litter boxes in which to do their businesses. Alas nothing seemed amiss nor absent from any wish list any cat could imagine … yet something was off. Well, after painful and frustrating soul searching and only one bad-mouth blog about said feline culprit we the humans decided to change the type of litter in all of the litter boxes. Well, my kind wife decided to do that and stumbled upon the solution to our troubled catlings existence; poor thing was haunted by guilt and stress not least the fear of the knowledge that she would have to pee in unsuitable places which would result in much chiding and some shunning.
I’ve made it up to kitty by treating her with the sweetness of raisins, the tangy flavor of smoked pig and the joys of chasing hazelnuts across smooth wooden floors and her own couch … when I’m not using it.
Change is in the works. Big change for me. I’m moving. Not a big deal most of the time however this one is different. I’m not moving across the street, across town, to another town, or to another province. No, I’m moving to another country. One that lies across the wide Atlantic waters. It is in Europe, Germany to be exact.
In the past few months I’ve been preoccupied with selling my possessions because shipping that far is simply out of the financial question. And it is easier to replace than to ship in one sense. Not that I had a lot of stuff in this apartment but still I was surprised by how much stuff I had been hanging onto. Dragged these things along in very move; and I moved regularly being Canadian. Apparently it is in our nature to move frequently, if we don’t own a house or homestead. Things that had been collected, assembled, tucked away, stored, boxed, shelved etc. Stuff.
Not super important stuff I now discovered. I had not interacted/used/looked at most of the stuff that makes up my every day decor/clutter. Did I need it? Apparently not. Do I keep it now? No. Hard decisions, decisions I put off making in many cases until the very last moment. It is hard to face the hard truth when facing a life changing event. I did make those decisions. Being a photographer with a few years under my belt, that meant dealing with negatives. A negative feeling accompanied that decision making and I decided to rid myself of the sheer weight of binder full of B&W negatives because I don’t foresee myself looking through and then scanning any of those formative compositions. It was a hard choice but one I had to make.
One of those decisions. Selling stuff was the first choice, with some success and some not so successful selling due to increasing time pressures. This was a moment that brought a new decision to mind. Paying forward. I’ve been very fortunate in my life and have received here and there. It was time to act in the same manner and pass goodness along. I was delighted in the process and to find someone who could use that which I was paying forward resulted in a sweetness of the emotion when that person expressed heartfelt gratitude and thanks. In return I felt gratitude in being able to do it.
That has been one of the sweeter experiences in this paring down process. What is not so sweet is the fact that this kind of huge change is not something that I was mentally or emotionally prepared for and now to stand on the other side of the difficult decisions I feel freer, a bit insecure in a way but confident in having made the right choices.
Why am I doing this at this point in my life? I’m middle aged. Is it a mid life crisis? No. I recently married a woman whom I have loved, love, am in love with and cherish. She happens to live in Germany. I have history in the country and that’s why it is also such a sweet pain/experience. I’ve made a choice and am happy to make this move.
Starting fresh but not on Zero. Love is floating this choice. Love is the light that illuminates my heart and love is where I want to be. She is my love and my heart is and has been where she is for some time now. I can’t change the first half of my life, but I can write the second half.
My hot strong hands will no veil endure
That shadows your radiant nakedness;
Lay bare each beauty, conceal no lure,
Leave naught to hinder my fond caress!…
~George Sylvester Viereck, (1884-1962) “Love Triumphant”, German-American poet, writer, and propagandist