Starting from Zero


Change is in the works. Big change for me. I’m moving. Not a big deal most of the time however this one is different. I’m not moving across the street, across town, to another town, or to another province. No, I’m moving to another country. One that lies across the wide Atlantic waters. It is in Europe, Germany to be exact.

In the past few months I’ve been preoccupied with selling my possessions because shipping that far is simply out of the financial question. And it is easier to replace than to ship in one sense. Not that I had a lot of stuff in this apartment but still I was surprised by how much stuff I had been hanging onto. Dragged these things along in very move; and I moved regularly being Canadian. Apparently it is in our nature to move frequently, if we don’t own a house or homestead. Things that had been collected, assembled, tucked away, stored, boxed, shelved etc. Stuff.

Not super important stuff I now discovered. I had not interacted/used/looked at most of the stuff that makes up my every day decor/clutter. Did I need it? Apparently not. Do I keep it now? No. Hard decisions, decisions I put off making in many cases until the very last moment. It is hard to face the hard truth when facing a life changing event. I did make those decisions. Being a photographer with a few years under my belt, that meant dealing with negatives. A negative feeling accompanied that decision making and I decided to rid myself of the sheer weight of binder full of B&W negatives because I don’t foresee myself looking through and then scanning any of those formative compositions. It was a hard choice but one I had to make.

One of those decisions. Selling stuff was the first choice, with some success and some not so successful selling due to increasing time pressures. This was a moment that brought a new decision to mind. Paying forward. I’ve been very fortunate in my life and have received here and there. It was time to act in the same manner and pass goodness along. I was delighted in the process and to find someone who could use that which I was paying forward resulted in a sweetness of the emotion when that person expressed heartfelt gratitude and thanks. In return I felt gratitude in being able to do it.

That has been one of the sweeter experiences in this paring down process. What is not so sweet is the fact that this kind of huge change is not something that I was mentally or emotionally prepared for and now to stand on the other side of the difficult decisions I feel freer, a bit insecure in a way but confident in having made the right choices.

Why am I doing this at this point in my life? I’m middle aged. Is it a mid life crisis? No. I recently married a woman whom I have loved, love, am in love with and cherish. She happens to live in Germany. I have history in the country and that’s why it is also such a sweet pain/experience. I’ve made a choice and am happy to make this move.

Starting fresh but not on Zero. Love is floating this choice. Love is the light that illuminates my heart and love is where I want to be. She is my love and my heart is and has been where she is for some time now. I can’t change the first half of my life, but I can write the second half.

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