Returning to the Past … Future

You might have experienced this dear reader. You grew up in a very different place than the one you now call home. And yet you feel an odd connection, sometimes strong, sometimes vague and at times nearly imperceptible; but it is a connection that simply will not let you forget.

It is something very real that you have not had any control over other than to have spent a significant amount of time living in or had a formative experience that bonds and binds you to a place like a deep memory. Perhaps you identify with that place in a familial sense in that your family is from there. Those are the strongest types of bonds in terms of people who have up and left for greener pastures somewhere else on this marble we call earth.

I am living one such experience. For the past 30+ years I have made ‘somewhere, Canada’ my home albeit with the distinct feeling that I feel very connected to ‘someplace, Germany’; a country in which I grew through kindergarten an primary school and on, onto a private school experience and then a sudden and somewhat unexpected transplantation back to the north American continent in my late teens. A time when I did not identify with things north American even though I was/am Canadian by citizenship. It was a strange polarity, being one thing and living in another reality. A twilight existence if you will.

Longish story short, in the past two years I have made a number of trips back to that place in Germany … something I had not considered too much in all those intervening years. Actually I had settled myself with the notion, the idea that I would not go back there. I had no need to and no real interest and the older I got the more … well, one settles into patterns and the past is the past. Done.

Then suddenly … a sea change in thinking, adjusted by an emotional condition called love. I fell in love, again. With someone from my much younger past. It was as unexpected as it was wonderful, a total change in being and because she lived over there and I here, the ensuing relationship requires some frequent back and forth travel (that in itself a decent arguement for time travel or at least instantaneous travel as far as I’m concerned, lol).

The first visit back after many many years was an emotional experience as I knew it would be. Hell, returning for a brief summer visit after my first school years away was more emotional than I could have imagined. Now, much older and wiser, the emotional ties were still taut and strong, something I have had to adjust to but they are easier to accept than forced. I also have the freedom to consider these ties at my leisure and yet as I ponder my future choices, I am considering more than just that.

Granted things in life are not always as simple as one would like and much more complicated than anticipated but still, it is our choices that drive us forward and carry us along on life’s unpredictable and eventful currents. And now I have another choice to make, one that I make out of love and a familiarity long cherished and all the rest will fall into place when the necessary steps are taken. Make the first step and the path becomes clearer.

Choosing is something the heart has no trouble with if intentions are pure. Finding the balance between thinking head and ones emotional considerations … now there is the trick to staying on the ball. Being open to change and open to experience is a wonderful way to be … it take a wee bit of courage and fearlessness but the excitement of love and what tomorrow will bring is thrilling, something to be savored in this short life we live.

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