a wide open thing

2012 is happening, just days old but it is happening. With it come all the normal activities, thoughts, reflections, resolutions and immediate resolution failure, determination (to keep the resolutions), resolutions not to make resolutions and … well, I’m in the later camp. No resolutions for me, no thank you. I’m in it for a change. A big change. In fact I’m going for a reinvention of who I think I am, who I have become, where life has led me and more importantly, where I want to take this life. Oh, and I’m at the half way mark if you consider for a moment that the number 100 signifies the ‘whole’ as it were.

It’s all arbitrary though and those numbers as age are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. You are what you feel and I feel much younger than the numbers that have followed me, that I’ve had to keep track of since birth. Ever notice that it appears to be or get more difficult to recite your age the older you get? There is more math involved. It is so much more carefree to simply state your year of birth and let the curious person figure the rest out for themselves.

That said, the higher your number in years, chances are excellent that you’ve been through a variety of life experiences unless you’re trying to bore yourself to the grave.

I mentioned change, real change. Some things have already changed for me, not always immediately appreciated or enjoyed, but when I take a quick peek back in time, these changes have always led to more interesting experiences and yes, to more changes. Funny thing is, I don’t instigate these changes consciously. And yet I can’t help but think that perhaps it would be a good thing to be able to do. Some people do it, most of us don’t. We wait until change is inevitable and then suffer through it until we’re out the other side smelling roses again. This time I want to affect the change, a change. Change after all is life altering, be it changing a lane while driving or changing ones thinking. I think the trick to accepting change is to be open to it, to be open minded enough to accept it instead of fight it tooth and nail, which generally is a losing battle; depending of course on the kind of change that is taking place. Sometimes change can and is aggressively avoided, but at what cost I wonder. Never have I made the conscious decision ‘not to change’ when faced or going through one. It would have made little sense as I was not thinking about it like that. I, after all am the master of my own destiny and my choices lead to this or that outcome/change … as they have led me to this page, today, right now.

I am open to change … I welcome it, even though trepidation, a sense of uncertainty and a wee bit of healthy fear are barking at my heels as I turn to face the new.

What have I got to lose? Nothing. What have I to gain? That which matters to me. A quote I recently read brought this into focus again for me: “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” (Jack Canfield) … makes sense too. How often has the fear of the unknown kept me back, stopped me from jumping into the deep end. I used to watch my kid brother jump from the 10m diving tower into the pool or a lake. He’d do it over and over and over and I never had the courage to face that fear and conquer it, although I did once climb slowly, clingy and scared out of my wits up to that high platform, hold on to the railing as my toes inched their way across the plastic blue fake lawn towards the edge, the dividing line and the moment of truth. You see I was pushing myself towards that moment, even if it felt so uncomfortable. I wanted to know what it felt like to stand there and make that decision to … jump. To decide. To do that thing. That thing that others appeared to do with ease. I jumped and fell into the water, not graceful, not helpless but I had jumped and that was a moment I never forgot. I had done it, saw nothing special in it and never did it again. The highest point that I jumped from after that would be the 5m platform and always the 3m board; heights I was comfortable with. Things I knew.

And there it is. I think I get comfortable with things I know and live them. They become familiar and worn like favorite clothes. The new, not so necessary yet it always draws my attention like a flickering light. I know it is there and sometimes I’ve clambered awkwardly up its ladder, and sometimes jumped from lower heights but I always know that I could go higher. I want to go higher.

And so, this is the year to climb higher, to kick those barking dogs of uncertainty right in the yapper. Fuck the fear, laugh in the face of familiarity and run to embrace the new, the unfamiliar, the lessons that are waiting, the rewarding emotional reaction to following ones heart instead of living inside an over thinking head. After all, if I am on the right path, I will move in the right direction if my intent and desire is true and honest.

I have some artistic skills that I want to explore much more, and to use the talents I have is an important aspect to driving this change. That, I think is my purpose in life. Doing what I do, well.

Fueling this change is both negative experience on one side and a wonderfully beautiful experience on the other, yin and yang, the balance.

The beautiful is another post … time for change, and time to finish my cup of coffee.


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